I am on my Knees

by RJ
(Florida)

This is not me its just how i feel.

I am sure this has been heard but here it is in a nutshell.

I am a severe alcoholic who blacks out for hours I am guessing from years of abuse.

I am getting evicted from my apartment because the man upstairs stomped his feet to quit my radio and I went on a 30 minute mad rage screaming at him through the ceiling.

Of course the cops came. I have been drunk all my life. My father is an alcoholic and I started drinking with him around 12. I am now 33 and have been completely out of control since.

I am a middle class man the product of divorce and possibly may have some unchecked emotional issues. Somehow I was blessed to marry the most beautiful and intelligent woman I have ever known.

She basically decided not to be a doctor over me. Seriously. I am disgusted that I have been pure sewage in her life and time and time again I have begged her to stay.

This is not going to last much longer. I love her more than I thought I could ever love anyone. I have been fired from all jobs, all, either for attendance issues or just plain walking out.

I have smashed every relationship ever. I was given up on a long time ago by my family. My father is a drunken madman with whom I don't speak and is very much a source of great pain for me.

I have been thrown out of every bar in town 86'd at one and probably have enemies that I am unaware of. I have 2 friends one with whom I drink and the other who disagrees with my life.

And with all that I still just can NOT stop this madness. I really need help. I have been through a treatment center already. I am ready for the pain and the shame to go stop.

I was also addicted to drugs but I don't mess with them anymore, because in my heart I am a true drinker.

I am in real trouble. I am a fool and ashamed. How could I let my actions push away my greatest gift from God. My wife does not drink and I am not being ridiculous but she is truly a saint.

She is a baby nurse and is in school for her practitioners license. A true heart of gold. I am disgusted with myself and I feel the darkness soaking in.

Please pray for me and I welcome any comments.

Thanks.