Brie
by Brie
(Camp Hill, PA)
I grew up in an alcoholic home. My mother was an abusive alcoholic. I don't remember ever feeling loved or safe inside. I had to always put up a good front so that nobody would know how devestating my home life was.
I also was sexually abused by my biological father from age 4-6 years old. My step-father was a very aloof person and beat my mother on a regular basis when she was drunk.
I had to be the one to rescue her and I can still remember him choking her and I had to stop it at age 9. My mother became pregnant with my brother and drank heavily throughout the nine months.
My brother was born with alcoholic fetal syndrome and had a lot of health problems. When he was 3 months old, my mother had a nervous breakdown and was in a center for over 4 months.
My step-father and I took care of him and I lost my childhood at 9 years old. This pattern of drinking and being in institutions continued until I was old enough to leave the house at 16.
Luckily I had some very good teachers who mentored me through high school and I graduated. My instinct to run stayed with me most of my life. I couldn't relate to what I thought was "normal" people.
I hid behind many many masks. I married the first man who showed me affection and by the Grace of God had two healthy children. I didn't know how to be a mother so I went overboard and smothered them and they became an extension of who I was. My extremes were evident.
I went from one end of the measure to the other with no healthy boundaries or limits. I started to drink when my husband left me in the early 1970s and I hadn't worked in many years. I never got any child support, so I had to take two jobs to make ends meet.
I was so lost, I didn't know what I was doing. My drinking in the evenings became my coping support. I would put the kids to bed and begin to get as drunk as I could so I could blot out all my heartaches. I was really heading to the same path my mother was on and I became so afraid that I sought out AA.
I can remember the first time I walked into the smoke filled room with about 12 men and no women at all. I couldn't relate to what they were sharing, but I listened and I worked the steps as best as I could.
I later found a woman's group and found a tremendous support system. I was raised Catholic and I was too ashamed to tell a priest what was going on in my life, because I was already rejected because I was divorced.
I always knew there was a great spirit in me and later I realized that God was always there, I just didn't think he could ever love someone like me.
I made a lot of mistakes even when I was sober because I wouldn't go to that dark part of me that I covered up with layers of denial and pain. Over the years I went to counseling and began to peel the "onion" layer by layer.
I found the Lord in 1995 and was born again. I found some semblance of peace in my life -- still not sure if God could really love me.
Surrendering to me was not an option. I had so much fear in me that I even thought that God abandoned me. I think I was angry at God for a long time because I was always in "victim" mode.
I have learned to set boundaries and limits, although it was hard to learn to be "honest" about myself. I now know I have no control and I am not powerless. I am a new person in Jesus and by His blood I am forgiven.
I have been in recovery for almost 30 years and issues do sometimes come out of somewhere deep inside me. I call them "triggers" and I avoid them like the plague. But I push on and try to share and "give it away" whenever I can.
I pray for all the "children of God" that are wounded and find recovery for their own hurts and pains through Jesus Christ. Recovery is a journey and it doesn't happen overnight.
It has taken years for me to peel that onion one layer at a time. I know I will be with God in the Kingdom and I keep my eye on my salvation. I am no longer a lover of the world.
People let you down, they are flawed, we are all flawed, but through God's grace we push on.
Lots of love and prayers to all.
God Bless everyone.
